Happy Birthday. I'm 30. Hurray..............

Well, Its My Birthday.

I'm 30.

No Poker in this blog.

I kinda enjoyed being a twenty something, and the anxiety attacks over my, basic human phobia of death have only abated a little bit, attacking me with apathy, anger, and feelings of despair.

Needless to say, I'm not sure how I feel about this new decade of age I've entered.

Without being overly emo about this….. I still feel I haven't grown up yet, I would still happily spend my days playing games, running, jumping, climbing trees given half the chance, and the landmark of 30, is screaming at me to grow up.

Not sure I can do that. I like to think I'm a good father, but I often feel I'm at my best, when that childish whimsy and good nature comes through. Grown Up Me seems awfully dull.

Theres an awful lot that I would like to change, yet I seem to lack the determination to see things through. Perhaps being 30 will spur me to make those changes, quit smoking, eat a more balanced diet, more exercise. One thing I am certain of, is that my fear of death is likely to get worse until I can conquer some of these wishes.
I suspect that being 30, that feeling of immortality will go, and what I am left with, at the bottom of that pit, is an ugly beast, which lurked all my life.

However, I utterly love my wife-to-be, adore my children, and wouldn't change them for the world, that part of my life is complete and fulfilling, although I daresay I can make more of it.
My work life, is crushing me a little, lettings agent get little respect at the best of times, and I worry that my feelings of disdain will spill out onto the soulless wraiths that grab and paw at every penny, to the detriment of others happiness.
That was never my goal when I started out in this world, and its difficult to have a positive influence on the existence of others where I am now, but I suspect that the only way I would be happy confined to a place of employment would be to find something that gives something positive to the world.
After 4 years of this, spirit crushing job, I need to move on.

What else…… I could do with smiling more. This may sound odd, but I used to find so many things amusing, people, situations, myself(usually more than others I suspect).. where did the fun go?

I look around me and everything outside of my home and family is tinged with grey, to err on the side of poetic. I'd be a better human being, if I can see the brightness again, but I'm not sure how to open my eyes fully again (stop me if I'm getting too emo again, oh.. you can't… tough).

I think all in all, I'm optimistic. The first step in improving your "game", is to recognise your mistakes, and to be introspective about your faults. Well I can manage that, and I can see paths ahead that rebuild the equilibrium between work and family life, and learning how to smile again.

All in all, whilst this makes quite depressing reading, this is a positive post. I'm not sure I fear 30 as much as I thought now that I write it down, for all the happiness in my life, the aforementioned tinge of grey is conquerable, and I have faith in my mental resilience to see through positive changes.

To the beast that is my fear of death.


I'm All In.


Your Move.

(couldn't resist one poker reference, sorry!)